If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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