Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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