Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
