Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
