Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
