i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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