Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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