1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
