You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
