just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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