hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
