Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
