he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
