I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
