She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
