I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
