I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
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My dream of liquor pitchers came true
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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