I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
