Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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