Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
