Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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