Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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