If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
