Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
