she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
