so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
