He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
