i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
