I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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