I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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