I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
thus making me awesome and them whores
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
