why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
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Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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