Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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