why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
