i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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