oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
