I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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