No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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