It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
