i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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