Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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