Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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