Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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