Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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