It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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