ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
