saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
