I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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