It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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