she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
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Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
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You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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