so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
