I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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