So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
