Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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