i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
