If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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