Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
