I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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